Royster Oysters My Pearls of Wisdom
• Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit … wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
• They begin the evening news with “Good Evening” … then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
• To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism … to steal from many is research.
• Buses stop in bus stations … trains stop in train stations … on my desk is a work station!
• I didn’t say it was your fault … I said I was blaming you.
• Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy!
• Pythagorean theorem: …………………………………….. 24 words
• Lord’s Prayer: ………………………………………………………. 66 words
• Archimedes’ Principle: …………………………………………. 67 words
• 10 Commandments: ………………………………………….. 179 words
• Gettysburg Address: ……………………………………………. 286 words
• Declaration of Independence: ……………………………….. 1,300 words
• U.S. Constitution (with all 27 Amendments): ……….. 7,818 words
• US Government regulations on sale of cabbage: ………. 26,911 words
Hmmmm … SORT OF PUTS THINGS INTO PROPER PERSPECTIVE, DOESN’T IT?????
• There is no egg in eggplant, no ham in hamburger, and no apple or pine in pineapple.
• English muffins weren’t invented in England.
• Boxing rings are square.
• A guinea pig is neither from Guinea, nor is it a pig.
• Writers write … why don’t fingers fing?
• Teachers taught … did preachers praught?
• We recite at a play … and play at a recital.
• We ship by truck … but send cargo by ship!
• We have noses that run and feet that smell!
• We park in a driveway and drive in a parkway.
• Are wise men and wise guys opposites???
• If Father is Pop, shouldn’t Mother be Mop???
• Worry is a misuse of the imagination.
• Personality can open doors, but only character can keep them open.
• The truth is that there is nothing noble in being superior to somebody else. The only real nobility is in being superior to your former self. (Whitney Young)
• Follow the grain in your own wood
• Never deprive someone of hope; it might be all they have.
• Make the most of yourself, for that is all there is of you (Ralph Waldo Emerson)
• Only you can be yourself. No one else is qualified for the job.
• Peel a banana from the bottom and you won’t have to pick the little “stringy things” off of it. (That’s how the primates do it).
• Take your bananas apart when you get home from the store. If you leave them connected at the stem, they ripen faster.
• Store your opened chunks of cheese in aluminum foil. They will stay fresh much longer and will not mold.
• Peppers with three bumps on the bottom are sweeter and better for eating. Peppers with four bumps on the bottom are firmer and better for cooking.
• Add garlic immediately to a recipe if you want a light taste of garlic and at the end of the recipe if you want a stronger taste of garlic.
• Use a wet cotton ball or Q-tip to pick up the small shards of broken glass that you can’t see easily.
• Place a dryer sheet in your pocket to keep the mosquitoes away.
• To keep squirrels away from eating your plants, sprinkle your plants with cayenne pepper. The cayenne pepper doesn’t hurt the plants and the squirrels won’t come near them.
Royster’s Oysters (Back in the 1500s)
• Urine was used to tan animal skins, so families used to all pee in a pot, and then once a day, it was taken and sold to the tannery. If you had to do this survive, you were “Piss Poor”.
• But worse than that were the really poor folk who couldn’t even afford to buy a pot. They were the lowest of the low and “didn’t have a pot to pee in”.
• Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and they still smelled petty good by June. However, since they were starting to smell, brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.
• Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women, and finally the children. Last of all, the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, “Don’t throw the baby out with the bath water!”
• Houses had thatched roofs – thick straw – piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained, it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying, “It’s raining cats and dogs.”
• There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That’s how canopy beds came into existence.
• Two things define you: Your patience when you have nothing, and your attitude when you have everything… Unknown
• Imagine how much easier it would be for us to learn how to love, if we began with a shared definition … Bell Hooks
• For the most part, fear is nothing but an illusion. When you share it with someone else it tends to disappear … Marilyn Barrick
• One never knows what each day is going to bring. The important thing is to be open and ready for it … Henry Moore
• If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion … The Dalai Lama
• Call it a clan, call it a network, call it a tribe, call it a family. Whatever you call it, whoever you are, you need one … Jane Howard
• There are two ways of exerting one’s strength: one is pushing down, the other is pulling up … Booker T. Washington
• People will accept your ideas much more readily if you will them Benjamin Franklin said it first
• To me, old age is fifteen years older than I am. Bernard Baruch
• Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon. Susan Ertz
• Some think it’s holding on that makes one strong; sometimes it’s letting go. Sylvia Robinson
• Anger is the only thing to put off till tomorrow. Slovakian Proverb
• It’s very hard to take yourself too seriously when you look at the world from outer space. Thomas K. Mattingly
• There can be no happiness if the things we believe in are different from the things we do. Greya Madeline Stark
• Life is like an ever-shifting kaleidoscope … a slight change, and all patterns alter. Sharon Salzberg
Who knew that our favorite BLT condiment was so versatile around the house? In a pinch, use it to help you tackle these everyday tasks:
• Remove tree sap – Coat still-tacky tree sap with mayo and let sit for a few minutes. Wipe away the softened sap with a clean rag.
• Slide a ring off a swollen finger – Rub a generous amount of mayo around the ring. After a few seconds, you should be able to slip it off easily.
• Erase crayon from walls – Coat doodles on surfaces covered with scrub-able paint. After a few minutes, wipe off the mayo and crayon marks with a damp cloth.
• Make plant leaves shine – Bring luster to dusty houseplants by adding a dab of mayo to each leaf. Buff with a paper towel or a soft rag.
• Banish fingerprints from stainless steel – Cover messy prints with a thin coat of mayo, and use a clean dry cloth to wipe them away.
• Silence a squeaky hinge – Place a dab of mayo on a clean rag and rub it onto a noisy hinge. Open and close the door a few times to work it in, and wipe away any excess.
• Get rid of tar – Use mayo to coat tar that’s stuck to your shoes or car. Let sit for several minutes, then wipe off.
• Rub out water rings – Cover water rings on wood furniture with mayo. Let sit for a minute or two. Wipe off and buff with a soft, clean cloth.
• Remove sticker residue – Dab mayo on stubborn price tags and the like, let sit for a few minutes, then rub off. The oil dissolves adhesives.
• When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she’d dye.
• Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
• Acupuncture: a jab well done.
• Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.
• The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference.
• I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
• A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
• No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
• I’ve learned that I like my teacher because she cries when we sing “Silent Night”
• I’ve learned that our dog doesn’t want to eat my broccoli either
• I’ve learned that just when I get my room the way I like it, Mom makes me clean it up again
• I’ve learned that if you want to cheer yourself up, you should try cheering someone else up
• I’ve learned that although it’s hard to admit it, I’m secretly glad my parents are strict with me
• I’ve learned that wherever I go, the world’s worst drivers have followed me there
• I’ve learned that if someone says something unkind about me, I must live so that no one will believe it
• There are spaces between our fingers so that another person’s fingers can fill them in.
• You cannot live a perfect day without doing something for someone who will never be able to repay you.
• The average human heart beats 100,000 times a day. Make those beats count.
• There is no greater joy, nor greater reward than to make a fundamental difference in someone’s life.
• Nobody will believe in you unless you believe in yourself.
• The opportunity for brotherhood presents itself every time you meet a human being.
• Minds are like parachutes … they only function when open.
• Life is an escalator: you can move forward or backward you cannot remain still.
• A child’s life is like a piece of paper on which every person leaves a mark.
• Before passing judgment, first treat others with courtesy, dignity, and respect. Unknown
• Three things in human life are important: The first is to be kind. The second is to be kind. And the third is to be kind. Henry James
• The game of life is the game of boomerangs. Our thoughts, deeds and words return to us sooner or later, with astounding accuracy. Florence Shinn
• When you reach for the stars, you may not quite get one, but you won’t come up with a handful of mud either. Leo Burnett
• Success isn’t permanent, and failure isn’t fatal. Mike Ditka
• Education is when you read the fine print. Experience is what you get if you don’t. Pete Seeger
• Truce is better than friction. Charles Herguth
• We cannot direct the wind, but we can adjust the sails. Bertha Calloway
Spring Training Is Here…
• If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there is a man on base. — Dave Barry
• The way to make coaches think you’re in shape in the spring is to get a tan. — Whitey Ford
• If you get three strikes, even the best lawyer in the world can’t get you off. — Bill Veeck
• Bob Gibson is the luckiest pitcher I ever saw. He always pitches when the other team doesn’t score any runs. — Tim McCarver
• Third ain’t so bad if nothin’ is hit to you. — Yogi Berra
• All I remember about my wedding day in 1967 is that the Cubs lost a doubleheader. – George F. Will
• He looks like a greyhound, but he runs like a bus. — George Brett
• If you don’t succeed at first, try pitching. — Jack Harshman
• There are two theories on hitting the knuckleball. Unfortunately, neither one of them works. — Charlie Lau
• Us ballplayers do things backward. First we play, then we retire and go to work. — Charlie Gehringer
• Trying to sneak a pitch past Hank Aaron is like trying to sneak the sunrise past a rooster. — Joe Adcock
• A bicycle can’t stand alone; it is two tired.
• A will is a dead giveaway.
• A backward poet writes inverse.
• A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
• When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
• You are stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
• A calendar’s days are numbered.
• A boiled egg is hard to beat.
• He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
• Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
• When you’ve seen one shopping center, you’ve seen a mall.
• If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine!
• Keeping score of old scores and scars, getting even and one-upping, always makes you less than you are.
– Malcolm Forbes
• Be life long or short, its completeness depends on what it was lived for.
– David Starr Jordan
• The bitterest tears shed over graves are for words left unsaid and deeds left undone.
–Harriet Beecher Stowe
• There’s nothing like a newborn baby to renew your spirit — and to buttress your resolve to make the world a better place.
– Virginia Kelley
• While we have the gift of life, it seems to me the only tragedy is to allow part of us to die — whether it is our spirit, our creativity, or our glorious uniqueness.
– Gilda Radner
• No matter what you’ve done for yourself or for humanity, if you can’t look back on having given love and attention to your own family, what have you really accomplished?
– Lee Iacocca
• The farmer grinned and said, “Old Warwick is just about blind. As long as he believes he’s part of a team, he doesn’t mind pulling.”
• There are two ways of exerting one’s strength: one is pushing down, the other is pulling up.
– Booker T. Washington
• A true friend knows our weaknesses, but shows you your strengths; feels your fears, but fortifies your faith; sees your anxieties, but frees your spirit; recognizes your disabilities, but emphasizes your possibilities.
–William Arthur Ward
• True friends are those who really know you, but love you anyway.
– Edna Buchanan
• Trouble is a sieve through which we sift our acquaintances. Those too big to pass through are our friends.
– Arlene Francis
• Treat your friends as you do your pictures, and place them in their best light.
– Jennie Jerome Churchill
• There are two ways of spreading lights: to be a candle or the mirror that reflects it.
– Edith Wharton
• Only the mediocre are always at their best.
– Jean Giraudoux
• Challenge is a dragon with a gift in its mouth .. tame the dragon and the gift is yours.
– Noela Evans
• Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
• A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
• I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not so sure.
• To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
• You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
• Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
• Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
• Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car. Amen
• If God wanted us to vote, He would have given us candidates.
– Jay Leno
• The problem with political jokes is they get elected.
– Henry Cate, VII
• We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.
• If we got one-tenth of what was promised to us in these State of the Union speeches, there wouldn’t be any inducement to go to heaven.
– Will Rogers
• Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river.
– Nikita Khrushchev
• When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I’m beginning to believe it.
– Clarence Darrow
• Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel.
– John Quinton
• Why pay money to have your family tree traced; go into politics and your opponents will do it for you.
– Author unknown
• Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other.
– Oscar Ameringer
• I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling lies about us, I will stop telling the truth about them.
– Adlai Stevenson, 1952
• A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country.
– Tex Guinan
• I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians.
– Charles de Gaulle
• Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks.
– Doug Larson
• There ought to be one day — just one — when there is open season on Congressmen.
– Will Rogers